There are forms of pain
that run so deep
you feel it in your bones.
Soul crushing,
mind numbing,
heart stopping,
pain.
Initially, it’s so profound
that you don’t feel it at all
And then, it’s like a wave crashing down
Except… it’s a tidal wave and
you can’t find the surface
and you can’t breath
and you’re not even sure you want to,
ever again
The only sensible thing
is that the world
and everyone in it
just stop and be in shock too,
but they don’t and it doesn’t
and inexplicably
everyone is moving on in their lives
They look at you funny as if to say,
“What’s wrong with you?
Why are you frozen in place?”
You know to grieve your losses
but that’s just stuff that you know
You can’t really imagine doing it
because it’s not really loss
until you let go.
Right?
It gets harder as you go
to hold on to illusions.
You’re afraid you’ll forget the good stuff
So you hold everything in
You ask me, “How do I just go on?”
I can tell you
but you’ll hate it
because it’s very easy
to understand
and very hard
to do.
You go forward clumsily and
without any real conviction
that it’s worth it or
that it you’re worth it or
that you’ll ever know what you’re doing.
Life is a never ending series of adjustments
and some of them suck profoundly
Gradually…eventually…you find
that you stand a little taller
and you have days that aren’t horrible
You will find, to your dismay
that you manage to have a good day
every so often.
And you gain dignity and self respect
by virtue of nothing but your resilience.
Eventually it sinks in
that it really does take guts to go on
You gain grace as you learn
to connect with kindred spirits
We may not share your story
but our hearts have been
in as many pieces
and we too have made sounds
that no human should ever have to make
Suffering, my friend, is something we do alone.
It’s recycling pain endlessly.
Grieving means sharing pain with good people
It’s the only way to let go and even then
only bit by bit.
It’s how we become free.
How do you go forward?
By letting others believe in you
even when they say stupid well meaning shit like
“I’m sorry for your loss” or worse,
“I don’t know how you do it.”
You move forward with courage and I remind you,
bravery is only really bravery when you’re scared shitless.
You live well, even if only out of spite
Even if it’s only a big fuck you to everyone who tried to break you
Sing along loudly to music that soothes your soul
Read great books and watch great films
and dance every single chance you get.
Nurture growth in yourself and in everyone you meet
Flirt with someone who’s plain.
Be a muse
be amused
laugh at everything
howl at the god damned moon
and eventually, clarity
will allow you to see
that you Inspire countless others
simply because you go on.
Just believe that we believe in you.
I love you.
Someday you’ll love you too.
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